i literally just sat down after watching this movie to write this post. i'm not sure yet if i'll ever rewatch this movie, or if it will ever make it into my favorites the more i chew on it. but the way i feel right now, i just gotta write down. this post will contain heavy spoilers.
thanatomorphose (2012) isn't really that good of a movie. the lighting is atrocious and makes it difficult to see. none of the characters have any depth, and the acting is so poor, i thought this was a foreign-language film with really bad dubbing. there are absolutely tasteless moments (such as the entire beginning, which is mostly just poorly-lit shots of the lead actress' naked body and some swingin' peen) and there's a lot of slow, unimportant scenes to chew on. even the movie poster, showing the moldy ceiling of Laura's apartment that decays alongside her, straight up just looks like a vagina.
it's the concept of this movie that's great: a young woman is driven to depression and self-destruction by her failing career, abusive boyfriend, and shallow friendships. her body slowly rots as she allows herself to sink deeper and deeper, until there's nothing left to save, and she collapses into a pile of bones and rotted flesh.
this movie does contain some of the stickiest, gnarliest practical effects i've seen so far, another point in its favor. and Kayden Rose, the lead actress, does a great job, despite what she has to work with for costars.
i also felt so seen -- in college, during the toughest period of my life, i lived like Laura. i had meaningless hookups with men i hated. i numbed myself with alcohol. i shut myself away in my dorm room, laying in bed in the dark and staring up at the ceiling, praying for the relief i imagine accompanies death. the self-neglect, hatred and disgust with myself that i felt then, i saw today in Laura.
as she decays, Laura becomes more sexually aggressive. she masturbates constantly. she beckons her friend over to her apartment for a hookup, and initially, he tries to convince her to go to the hospital. she refuses. she begins to give him a blowjob, and he grips her bandaged head to guide her -- blood oozes from her head wound as she services him. despite being clearly unwell, with her head bandaged and her body in the inital stages of decomposition, her friend doesn't get her help. he uses her and abandons her as soon as he's cum, just like her boyfriend.
in my letterboxd review, i mentioned some of my poetry from back then carrying similar themes. i've dug back into those poems, looking for something that feels the way this movie does. actually...reading everything i wrote from 2014-2017 back, i was hurting so much and wrote so much garbage. i really ought to get back into writing poetry so i write something better. i don't want to die and have people read my poems and think i'm still that guy.
i was in a bad headspace going into this movie, and seeing the parallels between Laura and myself were quite unwelcome. i don't know if or when i'll revisit this movie, but after writing this and re-reading old poems from when i was doing way worse, i'm actually feeling so much better.
ciao.